Why Marriages Succeed or Fail

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John Gottman, PhD, is an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Washington and is the holder of a National Institute of Mental Health Research Scientist Award. His other books include The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.

At a restaurant, you might wonder which couple is struggling—the one arguing loudly or the one sitting in silence. Successful relationships generally fall into three types: validating, where couples respectfully work through conflicts; volatile, characterized by passionate arguments and quick reconciliations; and avoidant, where issues are sidestepped but mutual respect remains intact. Conflict isn’t inherently harmful; it’s the balance between negative and positive interactions that determines a relationship’s health. John Gottman identified four destructive behaviors—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—calling them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These behaviors, as seen in the case of Eric and Pam, can erode communication and connection, but even couples stuck in these patterns can recover. Gottman’s research shows that mastering three specific communication skills can improve marital happiness by 75%, offering hope for relationships in distress.

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