Polysecure

Book summary

Jessica Fern is a psychotherapist and public speaker who specializes in trauma and relationships, especially nonmonogamy. Polysecure is her first book.

Attachment theory, as developed by John Bowlby and expanded through Mary Ainsworth's "Strange Situation Procedure," highlights how attachment styles form and evolve over time, influenced by life experiences beyond just parental relationships. These styles exist on a spectrum, each with unique strengths, and cultivating a secure attachment is beneficial for all relationships, including nonmonogamous ones. Turning to nonmonogamy, societal attitudes toward it have remained largely unchanged, even as many married individuals admit to infidelity. Consensual nonmonogamy (CNM), distinct from cheating, takes many forms and, according to limited research, often fosters greater trust and less jealousy compared to monogamy. Achieving secure attachment with multiple partners—polysecurity—is possible but requires self-work and intentional effort. Nonmonogamy embraces the inevitability of change, which can be both reassuring and unsettling. While it presents challenges, developing secure attachment within polyamory is attainable by addressing insecurities. The HEARTS framework offers practical tools to nurture secure attachment, emphasizing presence, joy, attunement, rituals, conflict resolution, and self-awareness. Ultimately, successful nonmonogamy is rooted in personal security.

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